a little bit of me

I swear i need to have some time away from booze.

Why is my social life all or nothing. Fortunately i have a hectic week at work this week, so I can escape the lure of partying.

I may have to visit the garage later and see if that nice man i met last week is working there I may be hungover but i can still flirt

Ok i have been out all day, i hate weddings and going to one is not the best start.

I had to deal with the fact that some bloke who was in a relationship had kissed me in the past and they were there as a couple, i felt super guilty even though he came on to me when we kissed.

My friend looked beautiful and we had a nice day.

Then I went out with my friend, again fun night

but....

Songs have meaning for me, I can usually relate a song to relationships, usually one in particular, a love i lost and for many years wanted back

I don't want him back now, I have no one, nothing to give me hope for a better future. The blokes from my past who I have thought have been genuine good guys have showed their true colours by coming on to me while they have been with someone. I genuinely believe that men no matter how much they care for you and you care for them would be willing to wank over someone elses tits on msn.

I am completely disallusioned, I hate it all i wanted was for someone to see me as I am and love me for me, and me to do the same with them, with chemistry and attraction there. i don't know that i can trust anyone. I'll still give my heart away but I know it will be trampled to pieces. I have resigned myself to believe that the fairy tale doesn't exist even real life relationships are just a pretense one i can't play. I'll never have children something i have always wanted, and a drive that makes me want to live. Without which fills me with despair.

I spoke to someone tonight about this a guy who was showering me with compliments but was ultimately agreeing with me as he chatted me up then went on to his girlfriend.

When I was little I looked to the stars they were the only thing i could talk to, they gave me hope, they listened when no one else would. Life has worked out so far, I have gotten out of a really bad place and can now see somekind of future. But they aren't answering me they shine and listen but i don't know that they hear. I know that there is no knight in shining armour but i hoped there would be a man in a rusty suit. It's hopeless. I don't want sex. I don't need a cuddle, I can't even cry because I know that there is just me. I want to love myself I really do, but 28 years of hating yourself is a hard habit to break, I can't bear the idea of the rest of my life being just me.

People who read this may think oh don't give up i found the one, but that is no consilation for me, I see myself as a bent coin that doesn't fit in the vending machine, you may have your goods but it doesn't mean that my coin will ever fit.

My mind and emotions are my eternal torment and I hate that

I averaged a 2:1 for the year whoop whoop

All of my grades in the 60's except one 46 but we will forget about that one

I can now relax!

In other news the summer is here with work, I am really enjoying all the kiddy fun! We went on a trip to scarborough yesterday, I am such a child as I bombed into the rock pools to search for crabs with the kids.

Well I have slept my sunday away. I should probably feel ashamed at my actions last night, but to be honest i think it is rather hilarious. Bloody 21 year old boys. I was speaking to soy earlier and told her I was reckless to hygiene in the swine flu season She told me I needed to bathe in hand sanitiser

I can't believe be have to be responsible for peoples safety and well being in a strange town, when we can't even look after ourselves ha ha

Oh I love it what a bloody laugh!

ok no-one should drink before they go out on a night out with me, me playing catch up means me getting fucked out of my brain

i'm sorry soy for

speaking to people i know from years back
speaking to random memebers of my family
snoging random 21 yr ilds and their deaf friends

but i had an ace night

we have a vague ideanwhere to take blogggy people on the hull mini blog.

we danc ed like fools, we talked about shite and the world is gfood

oh and thanmks for making me come home,m the burger rocked my world and i so didn't need to be out longer * big suoper kissess* xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Do i spend my savings on a holiday?

It would mean doing 10 european countries in 20 days, staying in bizzare accomodations which sound ace, like a french chateau and a swiss lodge thing! it's for 18-35 year olds

i really want a holiday it's on a time when i am off it sounds wicked but ...

I have to get started on my dissertation
I will have NOTHING in savings left for emergencies, or post degree spends
I will have to miss a friend of the family's wedding
I will have to manage 3 weeks on my own
In the space of a year i have been to thailand, amsterdam and barcelona is this taking the piss?

My impulse is to say sod it, my car is paid off in august i can save the same amount of money up in a year
I have worked really hard this year i deserve it
I am only going to waste my savings on boring things why not make it fun

but what about the logic and reasoning argh i don't know i have to make my mind up soon, it starts on the 24th of august!

any ideas??

So it is all over 8 weeks down the line and i am single again.

I am never using dating sites again, if i try to even hesitate and ponder going on them please remind me of this day and tell me to get my head checked.

I can't really slag him off, it was coming i know it was. I wasn't happy with him, it was never going anywhere. It seemed like we rushed into it at first then spent the rest of the time trying to wind it back.

How the hell do you have a relationship when someone has no feelings! I tried to think to myself well i have enough emotions for the both of us, but that doesn't work does it.

SO i need not worry about things now,I don't have to worry about him reading my blog as why should he care now. i have a really busy summer lined up, and well i'll be busy all year so no time for men and a love life, although i may miss the sex!

It is annoying that i haven't had a period in 6 months and it all comes to a head now when i am feeling all emotional grrr apart from the hormones i am suprisingly ok about it all. He was going to come and meet me to talk about it, but it was easier done over the phone, it's not as if he would give me any insight into why he is a cyborg!

I don't know what to do about my gran these days.
It is hard for her since my grandad died i know he was her life. She met him in her early teens agreed to distance herself from friends and family, she did what he said because she believed him. (Don't get me wrong i adored my grandad but he had a side i didn't apporve of)

She is 72 and is becoming a royal pain in the ass, she demands so much of my mums time, and no matter how much she gives her, gran wants more. It doesn't matter if gran sees her friends family, me or my brother she still seems to want to control my mum. My mum complains about her every time i see her, that gran has rung up saying weird things or that mum has seen her and my gran has been rude and aggressive. I listen to mum because i know she needs to get it off her chest. I cannot advice mum as she never listens so i listen to her so she can get it out of her system and be normal in an hour.

How do you continue to like someone though when they become old and strange?

I love my gran but jeez she is cracking everyone up.

She hasn't lost her mind and is fit and healthy you would think she would be greatful. Not many people are so lucky.

my grandad died about 3 or 4 years ago, since then about 6 or so people close to her and the family have died including 2 of her brothers and her sister, but there is no compassion for them, all she brings up is my grandad. His brother has died recently, much younger than my grandad a heart attack right out of the blue, and my gran is still going on to his wife about grandad. (my grandad was really ill for a long time, she had time to say goodbye, unlike his brothers wife)

She has burnt her bridges with all of her family, ringing people up and saying things like so you're not dead then, why don't you ring me? she makes out no one sees her yet she sees more people than i do.

She used to go on holiday with a crowd of people but has insulted them so much that they don't want her there.

She refuses to take our advice and get some hobbies and join groups.

She is selling her house and sees it as a personal insult that no one wants to buy it, not seeing that the world is in a recession.

She doesn't understand why she is putting on weight despite eating bread and cakes all day and not exercising.

She has got warts all over her as she has spread them by scratching and won't see the dr to freeze them off, even though she will see him complaining about arthritis that he can do nothing about.

she is bitter and twisted about everything, she is homophobic and racist beyond anything i knew before.

The annoying thing is that gran used to be so kind to others, she saw herself as being sophisticated and classy. Now she is the complete opposite. It is really sad, my grandad would be ashamed.

I do really love her and if she is sharp to me i am the same back, so she recognises what she is doing, then she's ok again. The worst thing is it won't get better, my mum cries now about it, how the hell am i going to deal with grans weirdness and be there for mum.

I have hit that age when everyone is having babies, a few years ago it was marriage and now it's babies.

I do love kids and enjoy working with them, i can even coo with the best of them, but if i'm honest i don't give a crap about their feeding patterns, teething and the rest. I can't stand it when normal decent people become consumed with motherhood. They leave behind their essence, their everybeing and become a horrible baby machine. They plonk them on you and expect you to be overcome with maternal feelings. If i ever have a child i swear i am not becoming a mothercare drone, so consumed with bibs and burps that i forget who i am.
SO when i saw this i really laughed my ass off

have had a cool day today, lunching with my friend then some chilled out time on the beach and at mine with the bf.

Have then had some alcomahol whoop.

I don't like the idea that the sunshine is gone and we are left with storms, what fun can be had in the rain?

Recently i have been pondering what the hell i am going to do after my degree, it has been bugging me, i have always felt a few steps behind all my friends all the way through my life, like everyone had a plan, they had mapped out their life. My map seems to be half a treasure map with the X missing. I know age is only a number and i don't have to be mature but i am a couple of years from 30 and have no idea what life is going to have in store for me. I need to move away from home and go it alone at some point but i am so scared, i have come so far from my depression days but it still bothers me. the idea that i have to be responsible and grown up. I can do that in my job, but what about me? how the hell will i manage myself. I have never been one to leap from relationship to relationship and rely on a symbioic existance, i don't want to have to need someone to move on. I am not waiting for someone to make me make the steps to full blown adulthood, i'm just scared that i can't do it on my own. It just feels like i'm a year away from sink or swim and all i want is some water wings.

where does it come from?

That knot inside, the tightening of your chest,
your hearbeat speeding up, all for no reason.
I have no stress at the moment, it is completely irrational.

I had a supervision at work today, i had to endure an hour of compliments, which to most people would seem good, to me it is an absolute nightmare. I'd rather them tell me i'm crap it would be easier to believe. My supervisor did get me thinking though he was talking about how persceptive i was, how if he had time he would love to talk to me for a few hours for me to highlight the kids i think are particularly in need of help and support and discuss ways we can go about this. I suppose it makes you think how little time we do have to do this kind of work, maybe that's why i am doing my social work degree.
I spent most of my supervision talking about the kids. I really do care for them, i'd love to do more for them. My supervisor has been nagging at me for a while to gain a speciality, as if u can just pluck something out of thin air, today was nice though he said actually i don't need to be good at hiking or dance or something that actually i am skilled in my interactions with the children enough to be able to adapt. As much as i hate praise that was really sweet to know. He had also said that i was probably the only member of staff not to get any grumbles or complaints in the comments box, that the kids only put nice things. SO i suppose it's true I do rock

got my summer rota too, looking forward to some fun summer kids activities the first day starts with a water fight woo!

I mean come on this year we have had placements, and a zillion essays and then they make us do a bloody IT exam!

which is really impossible unless u have been on an IT course. What the hell do i know about spread sheets and data crap, why do u need to know what http stands for?. I am too old to have done it at school. So if they didn't want me to cheat and get my boyfriend to give me all the answers then they shouldn't have let me do it at home

I am loving tonights TV btw, mock the week, reaper, psychoville whoop!

I should find out my results soon, it's really hard not to worry about failing, or want to come out of this year with some good grades.

feeling happier today, i swear my hormones are my curse