a little bit of me

Had a drunken rant last night

but i'm normal now

I really think i need to look at why i need to drink into obliteration, maybe i'm scared what i might find, and actually have to look at myself.

had an ace night with soy last night though what a laugh, why is it we always get up to mischief.

I've just looked on my facebook to see randoms that i was talking to have added me

i love feeling drunk being free meeting people having fun

but when it's all gone u are just left with u

what if u don't like what u are left with

what if u will never like yourself

i don't hate my life, i love it

i just hate myself

I have just seen on the news that they have a man in custody believed to have raped up to 200 old and vulnerable people. His sick depravity stetched even further as he removed light bulbs and fuses and tortured these people in the dark. the oldest woman is believed to be 92. Now i'm not a great believer in the death penalty, i don't think we have to right to decided who lives or who dies, but sometimes i am driven to believe that there are sick fuckers who shouldn't be allowed to draw another breath.

If this was my gran i'd want to personally beat the living daylights out of him.

rant over

I seem to be diluded, I have a tendancy to put others first and I try to see the best in people. I would say i am a good friend. I try to keep in touch I go out of my way to see people. I am there when people need a shoulder to cry on.

HOWEVER

SO many of my friends have disappeared over the years, I know this happens but i had a really lovely group of friends at school and i can say that only two of them i see regularly one every month at least another a few times a year (because there is a distance issue)

I again had a lovely group of friends when i was at uni for the first time

again i had a fab group of mates who i worked with in my old job, but where are they now???

I seem to go through close friends like i do clothes, some old favourites stay but most get grown out of, lost or worn thin.

I know I can't do any more i always try so what can i do? AM i friends with the wrong type of people, people who like flash in the pan mates who hang around for a year and not close friends. Is it me is it something i do to drive them away??

I again have a circle of friends around me now a mixture of people but most of my social side is with people i have met at uni, once that is gone then what I'll have more short term friends from a job i get into i suppose.

This has all been triggered by finding out one of my best friends from school is now married, i found out..... by seeing some pics on facebook. I know it's because school wasn't a great time for her and despite me trying she needed to move on. But i'm pissed off, i feel used.

I feel used generally what's the point spending all this time listening to people, caring about them and putting yourself out when ultimately no one gives a shit. My brother still has a really close circle of friends, people he knew from school and he's only a few years younger than me, so I know it can happen. It must just be me!