a little bit of me

the devils work

I have been regularly attacked by eight legged beasties recently, I figured this was to do with the time of year but also maybe to do with the 6 inches of dust covering my room. SO I had a clean up removed my washing off the floor, and the rest. My room is now nice and clean, the musty smell has gone and it actually looks nice for a change.

the thing is ....

I HATE IT

My mess is like a barrier, shouting out leave me alone this is my space! I know where everything is (the floor) and it is like my own little nest of me.

Now it's tidy i feel like someone has stolen my soul!

People who know me will find my messy filthyness funny, I have such issues with other peoples filth and disease. I take my own duvet cover and pillow cases to hotels. I can't stand public transport. When i was on the tube in london i was convinced someone was going to release anthrax or small pox! I smell glasses before i use them. I am in effect a complete fruit loop!

but my mess is mine, my own ....... my precious!

Man I haven't written a post in a while. I keep meaning to but then my brain wanders and I start thinking about something else.

Erm what have i been up to I had a rather fantastic night out with the uni lot, we went around a nearby town with lots of pubs and stuff. It's always a giggle with the girls and an all day bender every now and again is just what the dr order ( well not really, given the kidney damage ) It got to late in the evening and one was feeling rather amorous so i launched myself at a 25 year old who was chatting to me, To be honest I just needed to feel good about myself and it was the quickest and easiest solution

Then I had a jolly out to yorkshire sculpture park with soy last week. I picked her up and we had a drinking session the night before, reclaiming our youth by listening to hits of the 90's. I am actually quite suprised we made it up the next day, let alone went on a trek for miles up a hill past some rather dodgy "art" I don't think I get sculpture. I love art even abstract art I can embrace, but I'm not a lover of modern art, the whole unmade bed crap. so when i saw giant metal blobs called untitled I wasn't exactly filled with entusiasm. Nor was I when after walking forever we found a big metal cage that allows you to "see life from a different perspective" - what as a bloody convict! And Maybe it was inappropriate to curl up as a ball next to the concrete blobs on the grass but i was making art interactive

I have worked my way through series 1 to 3 of bones and series 1 to 4 of johnathan creek but still haven't opened a book to start my dissertation. I must get motivated.

Today I decided to leave the house and stroll into the village I got 5 mins down the snicket when a pigeon decided to shit all down me, covering both my arms. I had to go home to have a second shower, I gagged all the way home. I swear I could feel the fuckers body temperature all warm and wet on me. How anyone sees this as lucky is beyond me. Needless to say i bought two lottery tickets and two scratch cards

SO I'm off out tonight with another couple of uni buds, I love having time off when you have plans

I have to get this out tonight before i sleep, it's been hours and i'm still bubbling with rage. I don't deal with anger well. I usually bottle it up until it can surface as a mental illness

Background - this is relating to shy guy, after our on off thing that went on for well over a year, but was mainly off and just a really good friendship (with him slightly adoring me as I was his first love, relationship, whatever) But we were close and cared about each other, we tried to make it work but it just wouldn't there was no real physical chemistry, i suppose because in the early days he said he wanted to be friends then came clean about the whole in expeirence bit, by then i had already felt rejected blah blah, there were complications caused by my feelings for my ex you know nothing is simple.

ANyway in march he said that that was it he needed to cut ties and not speak to me, it was too hard seeing me and not being with me. I was upset but i understood and respected his wishes. A few months back we started talking again, phone msn etc about once a week, then i started seeing the cyborg. I told shy guy just out of respect really, not going into details just told him i was seeing someone. He then went into a melt down and had a div on me, partly at the realisation it would never happen between us, partly because he was aware he was on his own. Again I gave him the space, he went into a depression. But we still talked and he even saw me a month ago, told me he was moving on chatting to women on line, and we had a really good time.

Then he started seeing this girl, she lives like 2 hrs away maybe a bit less, I was happy for him, a little touched by it as it's always hard when your ex moves on, but non the less we still chatted and text. I knew he saw her on weekends so i respected that and didn't text him then. I gave him a friendly text on mon and no reply.

Then I get an e-mail today saying he was out with her and didn't check his phone til he was in a restaurant and she saw and he had to explain everything about us ( not that he could just say he had got a text from his friend oh no) So anyway he starts saying how we can't talk anymore, that it's not fair on her and he has to give her the full attention, that she doesn't deserve to be treated as I did to him with M ( which really fucked me off bringing that into it, he even said i ranted about him - talk about waving a red flag at a bull) That he has to concentrate on his relationship (FUCKING FOUR WEEKS!) then he starts banging on about how he will always have a special place in his heart for me and if i ever really need him he will be there, but he thinks it is best if we don't talk, so this women who he said was fine with it when he told her, so she would be ok. Like he was dumping me, HE DOESN'T NEED TO SAY ALL THAT!

SO IT IS FINE TO BE FRIENDS BEFORE HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND but now he has one he doesn't want to know, There was more to the e-mail like but that's the jist.

I'm pissed off because

it's been a long time since there has been anything physical going on between us
it's like a close friend saying they want to cut all ties
he has dragged up criticisms of me which aren't even relevant to the discussion
i have been understanding of his feelings then he takes advantage and walks all over me
the e-mail is only half him i can tell he is being "advised" certain things

so i replied to the e-mail telling him he was fickle, that i thought we had a special friendship whch had moved on from a relationship into something better.
I set him straight saying that i only "ranted" about M because he messed me about regarding his feelings towards me.
That he clearly didn't care about the importance of our friendship so therefore i wasn't important and i wouldn't ring him if i needed him.
and that i hoped it works out because he has lost a friend over her.
I then told him not to reply to it and to go away

then i deleted him from facebook

then i sent a text telling him i was deleting his number and he could shove it up his arse.

so he rings, both of us crying and upset, i told him to go away and hung up, he rings back saying "please don't let it be like this" and how he want's to know how i am doing and hear from me ( erm contradiction here bud) i told him i was going out (which i was), him more of the don't leave it like this, so i ended with I haven't ended it like this you have, and i hung up.

then he sends a melodramatic text banging on about moving on and all the fairwell shit and the oh don't hate me and that other people aren't like us they don't understand how we can be friends.

so my text - i'm angry and upset i don't hate u do what u like!

I know I struggled with the cyborg being close to his ex, but that was because they spoke everyday, they were married, they had had sex not long before we got together and she was moving near by. I have always been fine in relationships with men having female friends or ex friends, if you are comfortable and trust who you are with then it isn't an issue.

I want him to find someone. I just don't see why it has to be at the expense of us chatting, meeting up fair enough but come on the odd text or chat on msn where is the problem!! I know he is inexperienced in relationships that maybe i expect too much of him, but it doesn't take away how i feel.

I'm fucking sick of men I really am. I swear I haven't gotten close (even with friends) since i was a teenager, when everyone was evenly balanced, we talked shared feelings and were honest. I have just found getting older men are decietful, they say what they like to get what they want, they are willing to take take take from you until all that is left is a tiny blackened ball of hurt and mistrust. My problem is i care for people, I love them and trust them, I value them for who they are and all they do is shit on me.

I'm so fed up, it's like i go out with mental cases, turn them into human beings then they fuck off and stick the boot in on the way out.

so he ruined my night out with the girls and my whole evening.

( note to any men reading this I'm not a man basher, just really struggling to find men with genuine feelings and emotions at the moment, that doesn't just wanna whak off to you on msn or use you as a door mat, a little loss of the man faith)

I am actually too angry to write,

it turns out that all the men i know are selfish self absorbed bastards who actually don't give a crap about anyone or their feelings! and are happy to shit on you even if you haven't done anything wrong, just to rub your nose in it.

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH

Miza T soooo right when she said not to want my ex's to be happy but to just hate them!

i'll explain tomorrow too upset and mad!

Filled the day with mundane tasks;

did some mind mapping on dissertation

cleaned up a bit

went to asda and spent stupid amounts of money on nothing

bought series one of bones, i figure 22 episodes should fill some boredom time

have managed to plan some days, my best mate is around this weekend so should see her, planned a lunch for saturday, and there's some drinky time with uni buds on thursday. I've called one of my other friends to maybe arrange another lunch or tea.

hopefully this will keep me sane, or turn me into an alcholic!

Most people would be happy with having like 6 weeks of freedom, no work, no uni etc. the only thing I have to do is my dissertation, which isn't in until april so feeling the pressure on that is difficult.

When I have nothing to do I start obsessing and hating myself, I know it's stupid, that in my freetime I waste it in self obsessed misery. I have put on weight again. (bloody alcohol and carbs)

I have lots of friends but they are in a different place to me, either by physical location, work restrictions, or by where they are in their life i.e marriage babies etc.

I want to be happy, i want to leave the house and do SOMETHING. But i can't or won't what can i do? where can I go. I'd leap up and go now i swear, just to avoid letting this feeling that I want to cry for no reason setting in. I just have no destination.

Depression scares me, I have battled with it for years, I'm not in that place now but I don't want having time off to send me into a dark place again.

We had a full family day with her yesderday, which was nice we had a giggle, went to seaside had you know "quality time" (family being my mum my gran, my brother and me)

The thing is she is trying to sell her house, she needs to move on now that my grandad has died, she wants a life and a new circle of friends. I completely understand this. The new problem is that someone has told her about this retirement area near to a lake in a nice local town/village. It is basically static caravans built on demand with a 50 year life span. If she buys one it will use all her savings and as soon as she moves in she'll pretty much lose between 20 and 40 grand on the value. This isn't including the 1800 quid a year she has to spend on the ground rent. The ground rent as far as she has been told will go for the upkeep of a club house and security. - if she lives there for twenty years she'll end up spending 150,000 in total on effectively a 30,000 pounds static caravan (the club house hasn't been built and they are buying land piece by piece so security would be impossible.

The retirement village is near a drain and a lake= rats

She is going on the word of a woman who is giving her a sales pitch, playing on her being a lonely old lady, wanting company.

there are no guarentees for any of the promised stuff

if she hates it she will be hugely out of pocket if she moves again

the whole thing is a scam and a money pit!

my grans house now is lovely

they have talked her out of 5,000 from the value of her house already so she could move straight in.

so today has been spent with my brother convincing her not to make rushed decisions and to think about what she is doing. We want her to be happy, we aren't interested in her money, she should enjoy it, but no theiving bastard is robbing my gran!!! the result is she has gone off it *sighs with relief*

So i recieved a call this week asking if I want an extra shift. A free trip to pleasure island with the kids. Hey I don't turn down shifts, not being a poor student

I can't believe what a shit hole it is, people actually pay money to go there! it was like a ghost town, i was half expecting a tumble weed to pass by a drunken cowboy!

But the kids had a laugh and i got to go with this sexy guy from the local school, he was lovely, nice looking, and friendly ( i was mentally marrying him ) The biggest laugh of the day was when a swarm of wasps decended upon us attacking his fanta. I just sat calm (don't want to aggrivate mr waspy!) but he didn't, he lept up waving his arms around spilling fanta all over his arm, which attracted more wasps. I actually ached from laughing.

So we walked around the faded shell of a theme park and spied the only decent ride the boomerang, the small child adrenalin rush never goes, although my mature digestive system does not like loop de loop so after 3 goes on it i felt decidedly sick. (maybe the icecream before the bus journey home was not the best move!)

just seen on the athletics, there is a debate about a runner, whether they are a man or a woman. They are being sent for gender testing.

There is a debate on the BBC about whether they should be allowed to run, and if they were once a man and had their gender reassigned then would she be able to run as a woman.

If she is a trans person how would you make the decision? obviously there are elements of fairness, how can you compete with a naturally stronger stature, but then there is equal opportunities, if somone lives as a woman should they be excluded?

tough call!

After saving as many caterpillars I could from the brown bin, my mum declared I was cruel to feed a couple to a bird

There is this little sparrow that must have just left the nest in our garden, It is now called scratter! i thought it looked pathetic and needed feeding up so put some squiggly caterpillars it's way! hey it's the circle of life right!